Now, years later and comfortably in my late-twenties, I’m far less concerned with what anyone else has to say about whatever details of my sex life I choose to share. Y’all can say whatever you want about it, but at the end of the day, I’m still getting off.” Well, impressed is probably the wrong word, but at the very least she wasn’t judgemental about it. “What?” she said, “Why would you tie someone to a bed? Isn't that just from movies?” “Yes!” I said, “It is from movies! But it’s also from my life now!” I was ecstatic, I was finally talking to someone that was impressed with my sex life. With far less verve, I began telling her the story of my handcuffed hookup.
Oh my god, I thought, am I having grandma sex? Are grandmas having hotter sex than I am? (Honestly, if you talk to Jane Fonda then, probably, yes.) Later that night I called a friend from back home to catch up. Oh my god, I thought, am I having grandma sex? Are grandmas having hotter sex than I am? My grandma’s probably tied someone to a bed.”
“What, do you want a cookie for tying someone to a bed? Grow up, it’s 2015. When I was a little over halfway through my friend interrupted me. We’d barely sat down before I delved passionately and smugly into the escapade of my previous week. In hindsight, it's probably the kind of story that could benefit from a two-mimosa-buffer but hey, you live and you learn. The next weekend at brunch I literally could not wait to tell the story. So, I grabbed a necktie from my closet and a surprisingly sturdy pair of plastic handcuffs (that I had from a Halloween costume a few years before ok!), and, well, you can figure out the rest.
So, the next time I was hooking up with someone I felt comfortable with, I quieted the chanting voices in my head and asked how they would feel about me tying them to my Ikea bed frame. It wasn’t that I wasn’t having sex (although I did feel like I was having less of it than everyone else), and it wasn’t that I wasn’t enjoying the sex I was having (I was really enjoying the sex I was having), it was just that I had this gnawing fear that I would open my mouth to tell a story and halfway through, it would get drowned out by chants of “Va-nil-la! Va-nil-la!” I was in my early twenties and I was, as diagnosed by myself, under-experienced when it came time to get naked. I would go to brunch with my friends and mostly remain silent while people passed around pitchers of mimosas and shouted across the table about getting choked the night before. Well, technically the first time I was the one who asked him if I could tie him to the bed, but every time after that he asked me so that’s what we’re going with. One time I was seeing this guy who would ask me to tie him to the bed while we were hooking up.
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